A nest full of unapologetic remorse.

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.

For the life of me, I cannot seem to remember the last time I produced a well written piece.   I abhor writing without purpose or direction.  It is not that I don’t have anything to say, it has just been immensely challenging trying to put my thoughts into words; to place a melody to an arrangement of emotions and memories.
To be honest, I did not think I would survive this year without walking away with a brutally jaded mentality.  But, in the midst of my un-prevailing battlefield, I was lucky enough to witness the selfless love of friends that would not give up.  And let me assure you, like a mustang at risk of being captured by the BLM, I was just too stubborn to let anyone break down my wall of impenetrable denial.  Until recently, I lived in a fantasy land of black and white replicas of a life I wished to have, and the incessant re-runs of the life I had to walk away from.
On second thought, I didn’t walk away, I ran.  I ran so fast that I ignored all levels of sanity and rationale.  For as long as I can
remember, I 86 any situation I know I cannot change or control.  And this habit of mine is one I have relentlessly tried to correct time and time again.  It is cowardly and so full of disappointment.  If I could pinpoint where this unappealing characteristic I had adopted came to fruition, I would go back and shoot it square between the eyes.  But, I don’t.  And that’s how karma taught me a lesson, by placing another runner on my plate.
This person captivated me first, slowly and with conviction. A deeply embedded drip of toxic adornment straight into my veins. I was enveloped completely.  I unknowingly fell into a deep coma of lusted addiction.  All of my life I knew nothing of healthy interactions.  Can you blame me?  I never knew of another way, only turmoil and heightened examples of tumultuous relationships gone wrong.  I am well acquainted with burning spirals of amorous episodes.  And one after another, I held my position on the playing board.  Stood my ground and kept my head down low, never one to rock the boat and fall out of line.
And then it happened, I fell in love. Deeply.
I called it love.  Friends and family of mine labeled it poison.  I now see why.  It was poisonous because i no longer held a foundation of the factor that mattered most.  Myself.  Deep down the whole time I knew I was swimming in a sea of risky water.   I ignored the signs, I rejected the advice of those who loved me, and that is where I found myself to be a failure.
I hope my experience sparks a match of realization deep in the hearts of those lying to themselves.  Let me cliche’ it up by stating that life is too brief to fuck with.  It is too short to play as if you hold all the answers because, you quite frankly don’t.
 I waltzed with the devil. And I waltzed well.  But the time has come for me to learn a new dance.  Perhaps the tango?
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3 thoughts on “A nest full of unapologetic remorse.

  1. Patrick says:

    I am so sorry someone hurt you. You are a sweet person with a wonderful sunny personality. I can’t believe someone did that to you! The pain in your words makes me weep. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make the world a better place for you. You bring so much happiness with your own aura and vitality to all who know you. Don’t despair many people love you dearly. Visit the Wilsh more often, it most definitely brightens up the place.

    Like

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