“I am not good” he said. Piercing me with eyes that absorbed all light but reflected none… But I was worse.
Somehow I exited what was once a dream. A dream that was not by any means ideal, or perfect. It was tinged with welcomed imperfections. I remember an embrace deep within myself. I find myself meandering deep into a purgatory of 4 walls. No way out. Each of these walls are lined with memories that haunt to no end.
Today, I woke with conviction. A mission to complete in mind. I wanted to convey pieces of my inner self that have been dying to be heard. And for once in my life I pulled the veil from my eyes and most importantly my lips. My mouth for so very long had held feelings that were screaming, fighting to come to the surface. Months of swallowing liquified fermented grapes have drowned out all rationale.
Day in and day out I have swallowed the directed dosage of Lexapro. I daily swallowed fragments of a memory I graveled to forget, in a hell of complete dependency. I depended on its molecular promise of light and clarity. I sit here, hands bound – intertwined with heartstrings banking on closure. Time has unraveled in an insidious fashion. You’ve claimed that you have turned off your “switch”. You in the process have also managed to embody a ghoul that is a fucking coward. Shameless. And cold. What is it like there? Perhaps I will like it too. I too, will enter your home of solitary confinement. Is it lovely to share your accomplishments with the bottom of a bottle? Is it comforting to know that you’ve disassembled a beautiful smile? A girl so blind and forthright. A young girl who was completely convinced she had all of the tools to fix whatever it was that this unforgiving world had shit on.
But you’ve decided to throw away any parcel of hope I so desperately held to. Happy Valentine’s Day my love. You’ll walk streets hand in hand with those who wear masks of wolves. Your legacy unappreciated. You will play the part of a sad lonely ventriloquist, smiling when summoned. You will day by day die on the inside while you affiliate with those who give less than two shits about what brings you true genuine happiness.
And although I am bitter with hate towards the decision you have made – I’ll part ways with a love for you that tonight dies once and for all.
I tended to be more of a romantic than a realist. And chose blind faith over cold logic.